Hi everyone! Last night I read this book by Brian L. Weiss - Many Masters, Many Lives. A fascinating book talking about our lives, a very mysterious cycle of life and death. Which in hypothesis is learning in all aspect of our life in balance, where exactly I thought so impossible because sometime one excels in some and fail in the other. Nevertheless, it is actually enlightening for the same reason that we all need to learn about patience, acceptance, and things happened for a reason - a kind of equilibrium that need to be created among us partners or beings as a complimentary subject. I was totally in awe.
Also before I read this book I have a strange and very hard relationship with my partner's parents, brothers and relatives and I tend to just let is passed by - because they are ignorant people and never learned the lesson that although we are different in colour we are basically the same human being and the need to respect that.
I think because I am not a local, I am not accepted as anyone else that is bred and born here despite the fact that I basically give my life here in exchange of my parental home country because here is my family now. My partner and my kids - although I love being with them and my life is them, being isolated in the community is like treated like a leper. Nobody wants to know you and seems not seeing you. They are somehow civil but there is this cold shoulder with it - like what my partner's father said when I was pregnant with my youngest "Rabbit don't bred in drought!" I was totally hurt but I let it go, hoping that later he would come to his senses that such comment should be keep in himself, but not to hurt people. Or he did not learn that it did actually mean something and can ruin lives... Hey maybe it implant a seed in our heart to hate him, and despise him for such callus comment like that, I was carrying a baby in me and being told like that is a despicable act. Well, that was in fact while me and my partner are so happy about having our third child. And probably there were more of that kind that was said when I was not present with him - like what was said to me by ____.
This kind of behaviour are so much a daily trait that give impact to us as a human being, with a soul and spirit - it does carry on to the next life wherever we shall be born again, until we will learn to trait people with respect and dignity despite all our faults. Learn from each other, try to work it out... I wanted to echo want my mother used to tell me/us when we were kids "Do not do unto others what you do not want to be done to you".
The book it actually more or less reassured my belief that yes our body are just shell, like a hermet crab does have a shell then leave it when he outgrow it and find a new one simple as that. At the end what material or any physical things you have donot matter - but how you been as a being to your fellow humans while you have the chance to share and give and love and learn and accept and be patient and just letting go... I love life, and I probably still wanted to be alive again in the same route or pattern that I have with more loving and understanding to take on to be more giving of myself.... To love myself more in order to give love better and best of all to love God the Creator of the life and unknown. Hah, I spell it all, just in all honesty.
I need to remember what I said to him before that probably also disturb him in a way I had no idea - I told him that I am not that cheap, that he embarrass me when he offered me $20 to pay for these clothes, which sell 3for $20, I found one that I like and he approved, but I thought if I bought 3 just because it is $20, even if I didn't like the 2, it would be a waste. So decided not to. But I told him he embarass me when he offered it infront of the saleslady. Then when I was looking at some jewelries, maybe conciously I wanted one for myself (you know when you have some for a long time ago, sometime you will wish to have another one - but I knew I could not afford it! but the saleslady came with some take home kind of scheme - which truly tempting, but really - my left mind prevail no, but he said that is so expensive! Of course it was, but to me irregardless of the price if I want or like it, I feel I am worth it - so from him telling me it was expensive/i was being mark as unworhty of thee. I was hurt, but I took it as that just how he felt to himself and I donot feel myself like that. So maybe, somewhere now that I cannot remember he said I love you mum, and I replied , no you only love yourself. We are a team to compliment each other, like I can read fine prints, he can see the far distance. We are a match - perfect match, that no matter what they would say about him do not change the fact that he as a father of my children always have my heart and soul - I always say that I am his and I will not find anyone else.
So maybe I hurt him so much then, but he did hurt me too. But I was determined that it should not come between us, that when I can land a job our valuation of this aspect will vanish. Because I believe that money should not be an issue to fight over, because both of us are capable people and not imvalid that means we could rise upon the challenge if we will try. All the attempt I used before to make him see them challenges were gone, I thought then I have to do it instead of him. Just as I believed that "It is hard to teach an old man than a child to walk and talk". So I shift my focus of the things that I can do for us, I believed that too. I am doing something for us at the moment and soon he will be able to follow through it. But maybe I lost track of him, and he got lost. I never imagined him to be such a child in a way, in the ways he had been, I imagined him growing and learning it in the process. The small details, because that is why I love him unconditional for being himself - but there is the proud man within him too - impatient and really pround, cannot bend on.
I must acknowledge the fact that I probably hurt him deeply and he got even when he hurt me so much more deeply in my soul. I know he said sorry mum after four days, I will carry it through my lifetime now and he need to pay me back in the next life that we will met again -. I do forgive him, but the wound wont heal in the lifetime. Our children will soften the pain in time.... He said that he will come back, and my question how will I know it is you Dad?
Time will tell but life still moves on... I Love You Dearest Daddy N and my kids.... 4ever
So maybe I hurt him so much then, but he did hurt me too. But I was determined that it should not come between us, that when I can land a job our valuation of this aspect will vanish. Because I believe that money should not be an issue to fight over, because both of us are capable people and not imvalid that means we could rise upon the challenge if we will try. All the attempt I used before to make him see them challenges were gone, I thought then I have to do it instead of him. Just as I believed that "It is hard to teach an old man than a child to walk and talk". So I shift my focus of the things that I can do for us, I believed that too. I am doing something for us at the moment and soon he will be able to follow through it. But maybe I lost track of him, and he got lost. I never imagined him to be such a child in a way, in the ways he had been, I imagined him growing and learning it in the process. The small details, because that is why I love him unconditional for being himself - but there is the proud man within him too - impatient and really pround, cannot bend on.
I must acknowledge the fact that I probably hurt him deeply and he got even when he hurt me so much more deeply in my soul. I know he said sorry mum after four days, I will carry it through my lifetime now and he need to pay me back in the next life that we will met again -. I do forgive him, but the wound wont heal in the lifetime. Our children will soften the pain in time.... He said that he will come back, and my question how will I know it is you Dad?
Time will tell but life still moves on... I Love You Dearest Daddy N and my kids.... 4ever
No comments:
Post a Comment